As I embarked on my PhD journey, I would like to craft a safe haven for myself, where I can be genuine with my emotions. So here I am, turning to the world of literature, a world where I can run wild and free, where I can voice my vulnerabilities and share my deepest happiness.
The first month has been hard. I had a headache that did not go away for a year, and on days when I did not sleep well, it haunts me like a shadow, biting me every moment. There are days that I just feel so exhausted, even though there are so much on plate to be done. If I looked at the screen for too long, the headache intensifies and my emotions dips. On the worst days, I feel like a zombie, too exhausted to do anything. Moreover, my acid reflux is acting on me, and it burns my throat. Although I look so comfortable on the outside, I feel quite miserable on the inside. This sore throat is preventing from making new friends and anchoring old friendships.
After letting out so much negativity, let me share some positive vibes. I made an effort to say hello to everyone in my laboratory, and most responded positively. It is a joy to go to work where people in the office would smile to you. Furthermore, conversations with my batch-mates have been delightful, we talked trash and laughed at silly things. Lastly, I went back to SMU for one day in Aug, and I loved the positive vibe and hearty conversations with my friends. These moments made me feel alive.
Overall, the first month is teaching me to know where my physical, mental and emotional limits are. I need to set tripwires to prevent over-exerting myself. For example, I have to stop working for one hour when my head turns cloudy, and be comfortable with such disruption to my work routine. Also, I should watch a maximum of 1h 20min of online lecture videos daily to prevent digital fatigue. Anything longer than that would deplete my energy for the next day.
Xiaohao's ruminations 